Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

Saturday was a day for just The Gryphon and I. We spent the afternoon doing things together like playing Dance Dance Revolution, which was fun.

Then in the evening we went out to celebrate Valentine's Day. We decided we didn't want to drive, so we called the cab and ended up with a strange cabbie. He turned down the Billy Joel music to hear the address, and after that I told him he could turn it back up.

He said, "I had to turn it down to hear the destination. I also had to hear if you spoke English." He claimed that if he didn't, he'd have to check our passports because of some homeland security rule. I was pretty sure he was joking, but he never let on that he was.

Then, as he obsessively checked the automatic locks, the lights, the radio, everything else in the car, claiming that he'd never driven this particular car before, he informed us that one of the guys who'd flown into the Twin Towers was a cab driver. Gee, thanks, obsessive compulsive cabbie.

We were glad to step out of his cab, at Sabrina's Cafe, which is in the Italian Market section of Philly. We'd been there before with some friends for brunch, and The Gryphon had gotten us reservations. They have good food, but unfortunately, they seated us in a draft. They have a front section that consists of the counter and a few tables. Then there's a back section, which is all tables.

I wish we'd arrived closer to our scheduled time of 6:30 (when we arrived it was only five after), because then they might have put us in the back room. But it appears that they like to fill up the front section first, and we were immediately opposite the door. Every time it opened, we got a cold blast.

I started off with the Greek salad, which was delicious, and then crab cakes, which were served with green beans and garlic mashed potatoes. We finished off by sharing a slice of chocolate cheesecake.

We found out from one of the employees that it was only a few blocks to our next destination, the Society Hill Playhouse, so we walked. Since it was cold, we walked fast, which helped. At South Street, since we had some time, we browsed in the Tower Records, each coming out with two albums. The Gryphon got the best of the Primitives and a Kinks greatest hits CD. I got Coldplay's X&Y and a live album of Hasidic reggae singer Matisyahu. The clerk, when he saw what I was buying, raved about Coldplay and told us if I ever get a chance, I should check them out live.

When we reached the theater, we realized we should have left earlier. There was no reserved seating; it was first come, first serve. I told the ticket taker that we were expecting two comp tickets, since I was there to review the performance for Wild Violet. She found us on the list and gave me a press kit.

The performance was in the Red Room, which was a small black painted room filled with small tables covered with red tablecloths. But from what we could tell, they were all taken. The Gryphon went up to a table at the front, which seemed to have only one guy at it, to ask if we could join him. But it turned out the table was full. We ended up sitting on folding chairs against the wall that theater staff brought out.

We got ourselves some bottles of Yuengling Light at the refreshment stand and decided to make the best of it. We were there to see Sweet Kellianne's Whip It! A One-Woman Cookin' Show featuring monologues and fun recipes. Each monologue led into a recipe, most of which were fun things to serve at parties.

The performance started out with a video, projected onto a white curtain, of home video footage and photos of Kellianne when she was younger. You got the feeling that she'd always had a wacky sense of humor and been something of an exhibitionist. The video was cut to the song "I Want Candy," which suited it well.

When that shut off, lights came up behind the curtain and music swelled up. Kellianne did a shadow dance as she got dressed for the performance. The dance was both erotic and playful. When she pulled back the curtain, Kellianne was wearing a black bra and panties under a full apron that came up and tied behind her neck. Several times throughout the show she changed into a different combination of lingerie and aprons, either backstage or behind the curtain as she talked.

I joked with The Gryphon, who loves to cook, that he must be in heaven. We joked they should have a show like this on The Food Network.

As she told her first story, about how as a little girl, she discovered stripping, Kellianne climbed up on a table in the front and demonstrated. Amusingly, part of the stripping involved pulling up her skirt, which is one thing for a little girl to do but quite another for a grown woman wearing panties and fishnets!

This was an introduction to her first recipe, the Striptease, a rum drink involving milk, brandy or rum, brown sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon, vanilla extract and cloves. She said she likes to serve it out of nipple cups. When I say nipple cups, I mean a little cup that looks like a breast where you drink out of the nipple. She said she finds it amusing watching the guests try to drink out of them politely.

Then she told us about her fondness, from the time she was a child, for cheap cosmetics. She described the Tinkerbell gift sets she used to use when she was a child, which included really strong perfume. It was so strong that when she got into the car on a hot day, her day complained that she smelled like a cheap whore.

This was the introduction to Cheap Whore Pie. This was another party food, and it's called Cheap Whore Pie because it's made from cheap ingredients. She made a crust from smashed up pretzels and potato chips with a little butter. The mixture is smoothed into individual pie tins and then baked long enough to form a crust. Melted peanut butter goes inside, and then whatever is desired on top, whether jelly, marshmallow fluff or bananas.

Her serving suggestion was to put all the little pies on the tray and then use, as a centerpiece, a bottle of cheap perfume.

Next, she told us about a friend she had when she was young named Daniel. He showed up for Halloween dressed as Wonder Woman. Kellianne and her friends laughed, but her mother told her they shouldn't have because "Daniel really likes his costume." He sure did: he had the long black wig, and he'd even painted his nails red. Sure enough, for months, he was rarely seen without the black wig.

In homage to her childhood friend, her next recipe was Drag Queen Surprise. This is a recipe made from melting bags of colored chocolate button melts. You spread it out on a cookie sheet and add toppings, such as coconut or smashed up candy canes. The sheets are allowed to cool for several minutes, and then they can be broken up and served on a cake tray. She suggested placing a tiara on top.

Then she asked how many women in the room had been cheated on. No hands went up. In my case, I had been cheated on, by The Luser, but I didn't want to raise my hand in case it would cast aspersions on The Gryphon, who was my date.

Unconvinced that no one in the audience had been cheated on, she launched into her next recipe, called He's a Whore Sandwich. She explained that it's comfort food to eat when you've been cheated on, consisting of cheap white bread, two slices of individually wrapped cheese, some apple pie filling and toasted up in a frying pan.

Kellianne said she likes to serve it to herself on a Magnum P.I. tray, with a box of tissues (because crying is OK) and all the photos she can find of him, which she then cuts up, burns or runs over. If the photos include a really nice picture of her, she cuts herself out and puts it in a pretty, sparkly frame.

For the next recipe, she grabbed a volunteer from the audience, to make Spank the Monkey bread. I had suspicions the volunteer was a plant, because he was really comfortable on stage, making jokes as they made the recipe. But he did say he was a drama teacher, so he might have just been naturally good on stage.

He was wearing a black turtleneck and a jacket. While she had his eyes closed, she put a very special apron on him, that looked like a woman's breasts. That got a huge audience reaction.

We really enjoyed the performance. Afterwards, a lot of people came up and greeted her and got recipes for her. We didn't, because we thought they were all in the press kit, but unfortunately, we're missing a few.

Afterwards, we decided to have a couple drinks before heading home, so we headed for a bar we'd stopped at before, across the street from the Ritz East theater. It's called Postitano Coast, and they had some great mixed drinks. I had an Espresso, which was chocolatey and helped warm me up. Then I had an Orange Crush before we flagged down a cab and went home.

It had been a fun Valentine's Day celebration, a little silly, a little sweet. Just the way I like it.

Copyright 2005 by Alyce Wilson

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