For those who began reading recently, and especially for readers of Real LJ Idol, here's an introduction to myself, as glimpsed through a variety of lenses.

Hard-Boiled Detective Novel

As she burst into my office, the dame in the short black trench coat shot me a look like Cookie Monster spotting an Oreo (or, these days, a carrot).

"Thank God you're here. I need your help," she said, her voice breathless as John Goodman running a marathon. She raked her fingers through her wavy dark blonde hair, pushed her tortoise-shell frames up on her button nose. Her fingernails were short and practical, like Danny DeVito in the director's chair.

Removing her trench coat, she draped it over the back of the chair, exposing a silk camisole that showed off her shoulders, toned as an orchestra on opening night. Her skirt was knee-length, boldly patterned, like a glass of sangria on my pants after a night on the town. I knew her type: sensible, hard-driven, with a carefully-hidden wild streak. Like a bookkeeper at Mardi Gras.

I propped my feet up on the desk, took a swig of Jim Beam, and asked her, "How can I help you, Toots?"

"You already have," she said, standing abruptly. "I needed an opening." Then, as she retrieved her jacket, in a voice clipped as a topiary, she added: "And don't call me Toots."

Self-Help Book

Are you tired of yo-yo dieting? Looking for an easy solution that will melt the pounds away? Despair no longer! I'll show you how I lost more than 70 pounds and have kept the weight off for three years. In this book, I'll explain how you — yes, you! — can have those same results.

My secret? Eating healthy, exercising regularly, and losing weight gradually over several years. ... Wait, where are you going?

Tourist Guidebook

Alyce Wilson's House
Built in the 1920s, this rowhouse in suburban Philadelphia is open seven days a week, year-round, for breakfast, lunch and dinner, run by Alyce and her husband, The Gryphon. Dogs and cats are welcome and encouraged to greet the resident animals, Una the dog and Luke the cat. A comfortable, informal atmosphere abounds, and guests are invited to entertain themselves with an eclectic CD collection ranging from alt rock to blues, folk, space lounge and world music. Guests can also view titles from Alyce's extensive collection of vampire movies, Charlie Chaplin shorts, and Bruce Lee films, as well as her husband's Japanese anime collection. Only one overnight guest can be accommodated, in the guest room that doubles as Alyce's office — where she is frequently working on her wedding planning book or doing transcription work — so plan ahead. The small, intimate setting is great for a casual dinner, but parties of more than five are encouraged to bring their own chairs.

J. Peterman Catalogue

The Essence of Optimism

An herbalist clips a delicate purple sprig and hands it to me. "The wild violet symbolizes the essence of optimism and exploring new options," she says. "To be able to trust new opportunities, to experience life."

She gestures to the garden, filled with lush color. "It's our job," she says, "to make a place for the arts." A shirt green as perpetual spring, flourishing with the blooms of poetry, fiction, humor, essays and artwork, found in editor Alyce Wilson's literary magazine, Wild Violet.

Wild Violet Ringer T-shirt. Form-fitting, body-hugging, close-contoured fit. Made of 100% fine cotton jersey. Contrasting neck and trim as well as contrasting stitching. Wear to work on your latest masterpiece.

Sizes: Small through X-Large. Color: Pink with Salmon, Yellow with Gold, Mint with Avocado.

Warning Label

ATTENTION: Subject has a tendency towards silliness, is a grammar elitist, and makes frequent references to pop culture in general and Alice in Wonderland in particular. Names and places have been changed to protect her friends and family from cyber stalkers. Contents may have shifted during shipping; at least that's what she tells herself so that she can sleep at night. Do NOT read on a handheld electronic device while taking a shower. Don't drink while reading, or milk will come out your nose.

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