The participants were as follows:

ATTILA THE PUN (Steve Gradess): Attila is a man whose motto is "You live by the pun, and you dye by the pun." His hobbies include telling puns, thinking about telling puns, and throwing his arms in front of his face to ward off bad reactions to his puns. His goal in life is to make a pun so bad that the whole world will groan together in peace. Long live puns!!!!

BERLIN ST. CROIX (Alyce Wilson): She prefers to be known as Black Death. Berlin is a POET! She suffers for her work (even though her parents make $170,000 a year and she's never worked a day in her life). Right now, she'd like to recite some poetry...

Blood!
on the the crisp white autumn snow
sparkles like my smile
as I impale a goldfish
with a stop sign.

LEON DAVIDOVITCH TROTSKY (L.J. Sparvero): Just back from Lithuania in time for the competition. He is the founder of the Russian Red Army, and three times has been awarded the Order of Lenin. He is a strong believer in the redistribution of wealth, which is unfortunate, since he is heir to several millions.

LORD DENNIS V. MORBID OF FROH-THINGSTOKE (Kzin): Lord Dennis had his brain amputated after his rowboat was strafed by an Argentine fighter in the Faulklands War. Unfortunately, it had been his leg that was hit. After this unfortunate disaster, Lord Dennis decided to leave military intelligence for good and go into physics.

An unexpected accident with a Hoover put Dennis off that, too.

So Lord Dennis went into quantity surveying and made his fortune within weeks. He is hoping to win the Upperclassman Twit-of-the-Year Competition so he can put the trophy on his newly-restored uranium mantelpiece.

Lord Dennis is now studying the effects of intense radiation on humans, starting with himself. To this end he is living in Breazale nuclear reactor.

HORACE W. FINDELBLICK IV (Roger Christman): Horace W. Findelblick IV, of Brixbury. Sixth unexpected son of Horace W. Findelblick III, of Brixbury. A former lunar biologist, Horace W. Findelblick IV, of Brixbury, was the runaway champion of the 1982 Middleford Solo Hide-and-Seek Competition. An astounding record time of seven years, nine months, and twenty-seven days -- and he is still lost!

HIRUM (CALL ME "HI") G.P. AVERAGE (Abner Mintz): Sixth semester sophomore, 3.92 GPA ("Those dratted P.E. courses"). Always late.

OLIVER ROSEMARY NEVILLE SMITH-SMYTHE-SMITH (Pete Uoth): Attended Oxford, Capitol Campus, for 17 years. Currently living in a wastebasket in Houndslow. Majoring in tufts of fur and a bit of moss.

[Note: If it's not immediately obvious, contestants were told to come prepared with a written biography for the announcer to read.]

The events were almost the same as last year:

1. Walk a Straight Line

2. Wake up the Roommate

3. Get Directions from a Foreign Teaching Assistant

4. Kill the Squirrels.

5. Steal Fresh Fruit.

6. Kill FROH [a.k.a. The Fighting Red Onionhead, a.k.a. Ode de Capa]