The Price is Right
By Alyce Wilson

[Note: I often wrote sketches with specific MPS members in mind. Although I don't have any notes to that effect, I can almost guarantee that the casting for this was Bernhard Warg as the announcer, me as Mildred Bodkin, Andrija Popovic as Dmitri Stroganoff and Mark Sachs as Lieutenant Colonel Oliver Moose. I'm not certain would might have played Barker or Kristi.]

ANNOUNCER(WITH EXAGGERATED ENTHUSIASM): It's TV's hottest game show, with 60 minutes of fabulous prizes...

Mildred Bodkin, come on down! Dmitri Stroganoff, come on down! Kristi Mascaro, come on down! Lieutenant Colonel Oliver Moose, come on down! You're the first four contestants on The Price is Right! With host... Bob BARKER!!!

BARKER: Our first item up for bid is a pair of jeans from the Gap. What will you bid — Mildred?

MILDRED (SURPRISED): Ooo. This is so exciting. Is it my turn?

BARKER: Yes. (TO AUDIENCE) Mildred is so thrilled to be here she's forgotten the rules of the game. (TO MILDRED) You start off the bidding on this pair of Gap jeans.

MILDRED: Oh. Well, I'd have to say... ten dollars?

BARKER: Ten dollars. All right; what would you bid — Dmitri?

DMITRI: A thousand rubles.

BARKER: Sorry, Dmitri. We need that in American dollars.

DMITRI: Okay. How about thirty dollars?

BARKER: Thirty dollars it is. On to you, Kristi. What will you bid?

KRISTI: Uh... I'd like to charge it, please? (HOLDS UP A CREDIT CARD)

BARKER (LAUGHS): Kristi, make a bid in dollars, please. How much would these Gap jeans cost?

KRISTI: Uh... I don't know. I never pay cash; I just use Daddy's credit card. Um... like, a hundred dollars?

BARKER: A hundred dollars for Kristi. And on to you, Oliver, for the final bid.

OLIVER: Thirty-three...

BARKER: Okay, thirty-three.

OLIVER: ... thousand.

BARKER: Thirty three thousand dollars for Lt. Col. Oliver Moose. Just a guess, Oliver. Do you work for the Pentagon? (OLIVER NODS YES) Right... the actual retail value of these jeans is thirty-four dollars. Dmitri, you're the winner. Step up here for the first game of the show.

(DMITRI STEPS UP AND JOINS HIM) Before we start, why don't you tell me a little about yourself?

DMITRI: Well, I'm a former five-star general in the Soviet Army — and I am currently one of the major dealers on the Russian black market... (NOTICES BARKER'S SHOES) How much for those shoes?

BARKER (LAUGHS): They're not for sale. But if you win this next game, you can buy all the shoes you want. Tell him what he'll win!

ANNOUNCER: A new CAR!!!

(JEN GESTURES OUT WINDOW) [Note: Jen Hoffman always played our game show hostesses. In this sketch, I didn't even bother to give her character a fictional name.]

ANNOUNCER: This 1993 O.P.P. van is parked on the campus mall and has a roomy interior that's perfect for contraband! The police pursuit engine goes from zero to sixty in two seconds!!

(DMITRI JUMPS UP AND DOWN)

BARKER: Are you excited? (DMITRI NODS)

(MILDRED WANDERS OVER TO BARKER)

MILDRED: Did I win?

BARKER: No, not yet. You have to wait until next round.

(JEN LEADS MILDRED BACK TO HER SEAT)

BARKER (MUTTERS): Old bat... All right, Dmitri. These are the five numbers that make up the price of that van. (WRITES FIVE NUMBERS ON THE BOARD) Your job is to write them in the correct order before the audience finished singing the Philosophers Song. McLaughlin will tell you if you're wrong, but when the song is over, you must finish.

(LEADS AUDIENCE IN PHILOSOPHER'S SONG)

(JOE SAYS "Wrong!!" EACH TIME DMITRI PUTS NUMBER UP UNTIL SONG HAS ENDED)

BARKER (REGARDLESS OF WHAT DMITRI HAS WRITTEN AT THE END OF THE SONG, IT IS RIGHT): Congratulations, Dmitri Stroganoff. You have correctly guessed the price of that beautiful O.P.P. van!!!

(DMITRI DOES A VICTORY DANCE, HUGS BARKER)

(OLIVER APPROACHES DMITRI)

OLIVER: The United States government will buy that van from you for $2 million.

DMITRI: How much would you pay if we add seat covers?

OLIVER: Two and a half million.

DMITRI: Let's talk.

(THEY EXIT, DISCUSSING TERMS FOR THE VAN)

KRISTI (TO MILDRED): Like, does my hair look okay?

MILDRED (STARTLED OUT OF A DAZE): Three hundred dollars!

BARKER: Well, that's all the time we have for today, because I have to go get myself neutered. Thanks for joining us on...

ANNOUNCER: The Price is Right!!!!!!

THE END