Investigative Report: The 1992 (1993... oops, year late) Coke-In

By Mark "Mark" Sachs

It all started on a warm April afternoon (or was it March or February? I can never remember these things) when the Penn State Monty Python Society, fresh from its successes at er... well, successes at something anyway (there must have been a reason why we were all so cheerful) decided that what we needed was an event to rival the Free the Hole protest. An event that would ring down the pages of history; an event that would attract legions to our cause; in short, a publicity stunt. Suggestions of Marxmas carols on May Day were voted down for the sensible reason that about all the musical experience any of us have is singing along with the theme song to Star Blazers. Thus was the Coke-In born.

Literally Days of Planning

The Coke-In was founded to protest genuinely silly events: the PepsiCo Megacorporation had recently paid Penn State $14.5 million to switch over from Coke to Pepsi, and was leaning on PSU employees to only drink Pepsi while representing the University. Obviously, someone had to make a big stink about these events, worse than a really bad thing, and that someone was the Penn State Monty Python Society.

The idea rattled around in the dusty area at the back of people's brains for a few months until Alyce Wilson took charge and moved the event ahead. Literally days of planning and hard work were ahead for the would-be protesters. Fliers were made and posted in prominent places — bulletin boards, the pillars in front of Old Main, FROH's crotch. A HUB window was painted — looked pretty snazzy, too. Buttons were manufactured by E. Bernhard Warg and a brisk trade was made in selling them to sympathetic passersby. Letters were sent to the Collegian. The support of other groups on campus was sought — Students for Increased Beverage Access, Campus Crusade for Coke, The Forum of Obsolete Technology, Penn State Students for Soda (the other PSSFS) and Student Thirst Step all signed on — their help was vastly appreciated, despite their being fictional. Sketches were prepared, Coke bought, posters made, and all was set. A table was put up at the base of the Mall and handing out of fliers, selling of buttons, and signing of a petition went flawlessly, other than the freak blizzard and the huge windstorm. All was set... then tragedy struck.

Tragedy Strikes

Tragedy struck as happy tingly Monty Python Society members awoke on Monday, April 26 to the delicate sounds of thunder. The unthinkable had happened — a vast and impassive weather system had lurched into State College, drenching it with nearly sixty-seven inches of rain.

Catastrophe! Would the Coke-In be lost? Soggy MPS members decided to press ahead despite some who suggested rescheduling or cancellation. (I'M SORRY, OKAY? I'M SORRY! HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO KEEP PAYING?! MAYBE I SHOULD MAKE ANOTHER MISTAKE! MAYBE TWO MISTAKES...) The Coke-In went ahead, with an audience composed mostly of fellow MPS members and representatives of the press. The Press! Perhaps it wouldn't be a loss after all.

The Word for Today: "Clockwork"

The Coke-In moved into action like a smoothly oiled machine. Alyce opened the event with a speech detailing our complaints against PepsiCo:

• Their fascist ways — not consulting the students about the deal, when a scientific poll that we had just made up proved that over 70% of students prefer Coke to a root canal.
• The addition of the Pepsi logo to Nittany Lion uniforms is tacky.
• Pepsi causes spontaneous amputations.
• The PepsiCo corporation sponsors left-wing death squads in El Salvador.
• And finally... IT'S MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!

The next event on the schedule was the most popular — a pep talk sponsored by Campus Crusade for Coke featuring Gary, the Cola Preacher (a.k.a. Joe Foering, as in "Preach, Foering, Preach!") who explained how Hell was a place where the rivers are filled with Crystal Pepsi and all you can hear are Michael Jackson songs. The real Willard Preacher, an obvious coward, was too frightened to compete and didn't even show. Bwahaha.

Following that was Dr. Science (yours truly) and his graduate assistant Rodney (played by up-and-coming intern Neale Lanigan) who explained scientifically why Pepsi was more heinous than Coke. A volunteer, Andy Wilson, was dragged from the audience to demonstrate; after proving that Coke merely makes you clumsy, he showed that Pepsi really can kill you. The relatives have been notified.

Hard upon the heels of that were testimonials from people who hadn't been prepared in advance, honest, the singing of old Coca-Cola jingles from a snazzy song-sheet, and a daytime candlelight vigil in a rainstorm (to my knowledge, the first time such an event has ever happened).

    

The end of the rally was disrupted by the crypto-fascist Students for Campus-Corporation Cooperation, led by President Ron Fasterfaster (Hi, Mom!) with his Pepsi Troopers, Colonel Suzanne (Suzanne Moskalski) and Colonel Stupid Hat (Bernhard Warg), who attempted to arrest the protesters and sing their theme, "Springtime for Joab and PepsiCo" (to the tune of "Springtime for Hitler and Germany.") The rally came to a satisfyingly silly close and everyone retired to the HUB Cellar to skip classes and defiantly drink Coke in the very heart of the repressive Pepsi occupation regime. Meanwhile, dedicated film-type guys Matt Pyson and Andrija Popovic filmed the whole thing for blackmail purposes posterity.

Fall Out

Was the Coke-In a success? Who can say? We had fun. The throngs of people didn't show due to that bloody @$?! weather, but we did get a very nice article in the CDT and a mention on the back of the Collegian (phtt.) And after all, that is what we wanted ... isn't it?