PRESENTER: Tonight, as you know, we present the 32nd annual Fred C. Schnobel Awards for Merit and Achievement. Traditionally, these awards have been given to commend outstanding achievers in our community, to praise the masters of accomplishment, to reward the fruitions of tuition. For thirty-two years, we've recognized the zeniths of our little town's history with these finely-crafted, gilt plastic trophies (Leans forward) ... donated so generously each year by Barb's Trout and Trophy Boutique.

(By now, the audience members, as if they'd been in these uncomfortable,
folded chairs for 32 years themselves, have begun to shift restlessly.)

PRESENTER: Our first award of the evening is the Schnobel Award for Outstanding Youth. I'm sure it's no surprise to you that 13-year-old Bevin Mendelthorpe has taken the SAT's and earned an unprecedented 14-thousand! She has been accepted to Harvard Law School, traveled the Adirondacks on nothing but a stick of celery and a piece of cheese, and she's sailed a schooner across the Sea of Tranquility. In addition, she has soloed with the Boston Symphony on the Left-handed Sewer Flute. Let's have a hand for Bevin Mendelthorpe!

(Crowd responds as asked)

PRESENTER: Certainly, tradition would entail that we give Bevin the Schnobel Award for Outstanding Youth... (A girl in the audience begins to stand) ... but this year, I'd like to break with tradition and give it to her dog, Buttons.

(Crowd gasp audibly, look around at each other bewildered)

PRESENTER: Since he's not here to accept the trophy, we'll have to donate it to the St. Erroneous Home for the Mentally Mistaken.

Next up is the Schnobel Award for Athletics, which goes to... (Opens real or imagined envelope) ... a portrait of Bela Bartok. (More gasps from audience) Well, you shouldn't be surprised. After all, these decisions are purely arbitrary. Watch! (Covers eyes with hand and spins around, then points at somebody and uncovers eyes) Ah! Norman Catchick. You win... (Looks at envelope) ... the Schnobel Award for Scholarship! Congratulations! (Hands him the trophy) ... on second thought, I don't like your taste in clothes, Norman. (Takes trophy back) Here you go, Mrs. Weis... the Schnobel Award for Scholarship, because that's a really stunning ensemble.

Let's see (Looks at next envelope) ... the Schnobel Award for Lifetime Achievement... Well, I'll be damned if I'm going to give that to another librarian who's wasted 67 years of her life in the public library, stamping out copies of The Scarlet Letter for kids who only read the Cliff's Notes version anyway.

(Looks at watch) Well, I think we've all been here long enough. I've always thought these things went on too long. We still have a few trophies left, so... I'll leave them here and you can fight for them. (Picks person from the audience) You be the judge. (Picks another person) You be the timekeeper. You have two minutes... and... Go!

(At first the people hold back. Then, massive scuffling erupts. Two people center stage wrestle over a trophy. Another person steps in, bangs their heads together, and takes the trophy.)

PERSON: The Schnobel Award for Decency. Not bad!