Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

This week, the sixth season of American Idol began with the traditional tryout shows. This is where you see footage from the open auditions held at various U.S. cities. It's chock full of deluded wannabes.

Now, I'm reasonably convinced some of these people are just trying to get their 15 minutes of fame by being strange or entertaining enough to make it onto the audition shows.

But a good number of them are serious, and it's amazing, when you consider this show has been on for five years, that they don't have a clue they don't have the stuff.

For those who need it, here are some signs you won't be sent to Hollywood by the judges:

You look like a drag queen, but you're not. This applies to both men and women. Also, if your hair looks like a fright wig, chances are you won't be chosen.

When you sing, you sound like a farm animal. No one who sounds like a goat, a bat or a goose has ever been chosen.

You're dressed in a ridiculous costume. You might think it will get attention, but I'll give you the same advice a mother gives her 13-year-old who leaves the house in a string bikini: you'll get the wrong kind of attention. The only contestants to come in with a theme and make it further were Scooter Girl in season three, who came in riding a scooter, and an Elvis impersonator in, I believe, season four. Neither one of them made it to the semifinalist round.

The first thing you say to the judges is what a huge fan you are of the show or of Paula Abdul. If you just want to meet your favorite judge, consider attending an autograph session instead.

Your biggest asset is looking like a previous American Idol winner or another pop star. Over the years, we've seen poor imitations of Cher, Michael Jackson, Clay Aiken, and this week, Taylor Hicks, none of whom had the talent to back up the comparison.

You look like a before shot from the TLC show, What Not to Wear. Take a crash course from Clinton and Stacy: don't show up wearing black leggings with powder blue sneakers and an oversized gold lame top; ill-fitting, out of style clothing; or super tight, trendy clothing that doesn't suit your body type. Appearance may not matter as much as vocal ability, but even Mandisa from last season, who is a very large woman, came to auditions in a tasteful outfit. They're looking not just for singers but for performers. I guess it's possible that if you came in looking like a Vienna sausage yet sounding like Fiona Apple, they might take you and give you a style overhaul, but there does seem to be a correlation between bad clothing and bad vocals.

You attempt to give a present to or have a fun interaction with the judges after they've dissed you. Chances are the only way they'll be interested in getting to know you is if you've got talent they're interested in promoting. If you sing like a dying squirrel, they're not going to want your handmade poster, and they're definitely not going to want you to put mousse in their hair.

If you embody the above qualities and insist on trying out for American Idol anyway, and inevitably fail, here are some things not to do when you get the bad news:

Ignore their body language. If you're singing and they're wincing, laughing or hiding behind their papers, it is not a good sign.

Beg them to sing another song. Chances are, if you did badly enough with the first song that they say no immediately, a second song will not convince them. The only contestants to skate through on a second song are those cases where the judges are on the fence and the judges request they sing something else.

Argue with the judges about their decision. It's not a good idea at any level of American Idol to argue with the judges. It shows a lack of professionalism, for one thing. But think about it: you need their approval to make it to Hollywood, so why do you want to annoy them by questioning their judgment or insulting them? Nobody cares if your mom thinks you're the next Justin Timberlake. Everyone can hear you're not.

Make excuses. Whether you're sick or your throat is dry or you're nervous doesn't matter. The finalists have to compete despite these types of setbacks. It's called showmanship. You don't have it.

Storm out of the audition room and hurl a slew of insults at the camera, many of which must be censored. Be a gracious loser. It's a competition where thousands try out and only a handful make it to the next round. You're in good company, so suck it up. You'll only look ridiculous if you throw a tantrum.

These are all the things to do if you want to be chosen to move on to Hollywood. If your real goal, however, is to be featured on the audition shows, and possibly a "Worst Of" show, then please do all of the things above and say hello to your 15 minutes of fame — 14:59, 14:58, 14:57...

Copyright 2006 by Alyce Wilson

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